Fireblade: Ode to the Campfire
by ClaireDuhBear
Summary: The actual story of the Dragonborn's return and his battle with Alduin, the World Eater. Plot discrepancies, anachronisms, and everything else we all hate in a fanfiction have been combined in this story. You've been warned.


**And this, dear friends, is what happens when you A) Have too much time on your hands, B) Have weird friends *cough* Wolfy *cough, and C) Ate too much during the holidays.**

 **Do enjoy.**

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 **FIREBLADE: ODE TO THE CAMPIFRE**

 **(THE TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE DRAGONBORN AND HIS FIGHT WITH THE ALMIGHTY ALDUIN)**

Ulfrich Fireblade woke up quite suddenly and with an obnoxious sounding yelp. He found himself in a wagon travelling down a mountain path, and instantly knew that he was in the deepest of deep shit.

"What's going on?" he asked petulantly, folding his arms and pouting mightily. "Why am I even here? Where could we possibly be going?"

The driver didn't appear to be in the mood for a conversation, and instead shushed him in a rather rude fashion.

Ulfrich whined for a bit, then turned to the man sitting before him. "I'll give you…" he reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled ten dollar bill and three quarters. "I'll give you $10.75 if you tell me where we're going."

With a roll of his eyes, the man pointed to the approaching city and dubbed it as Helgen.

"But why are we going theeeeere?" was the querulous response. "If my father hears about me being carted around in a run-down wagon into some tiny, unimportant city he'll start a war. _I'm_ his favorite son after all. He would do anything for me, and gives me whatever I want whenever I want. He won't stand for this nonsense."

"Then it's a good thing he won't know until after your head has rolled," one of the Stormcloaks muttered under his breath, scowling rather obviously at the spoiled lad as the wagon stopped in a stone courtyard.

"Why are we stopping? Can we leave yet?" Ulfrich asked as he was herded out of the wagon towards the growing crowd of prisoners that stood before a chopping block manned by a solitary executioner and a priestess.

The boy's whining only increased as a few of the other men lost their heads to the axe. He didn't seem to actually comprehend that he was about to be murdered.

However as a third man's head landed on the ground with a wet _splat_ , an unearthly roar ripped through the mountain air that shut even Ulfrich up. Everyone glanced around nervously, unsure what their response should be.

Then suddenly a large black scaly lizardy dragon thing with great big fanglike teeth soared from up above in the heavens and landed on the tower overlooking the courtyard.

Ulfrich Fireblade stared up at the beast and just knew…

He _knew._

He needed no one to tell him.

He was _Dragonborn._

For his whole life he had well and truly actually had super strength and super powers and super skills and only now after all this time did it make complete sense. _This_ was why he was in the wagon headed towards Helgen for no reason at all.

"Golly!" he shouted exuberantly as he realized he was facing his one and only destiny. And since facing one's destiny is always quite easy and never has any obstacles, he quite easily made his way over to the wagon he had arrived in. By now, the dragon was swooping around a lot. That was bad.

Hoisting himself into the wagon with his still bound hands, his gaze landed on his greatest weapon: a wicked awesome great-axe that was six feet tall and as thick as his thigh. It had a highly super keen edge and a crazy awesome sweeping range for when he swung it at things. And it was made of the most absolute finest maple wood one ever could find. Because wood trumps steel any day.

Letting out a joyful whoop, he grabbed his blade and made his way over to where the dragon was swooping.

Lifting the deathly instrument up in the air with one hand he shouted, "I AM WIELDER OF THE CAMPFIRE, DRAGON. BOW BEFORE ME IN FEAR FOR I WILL VANQUISH YOU WITH MY ALMIGHTY BLADE OF DOOM AND DESTRUCTION!" As he finished his obligatory pre-victory speech, his blade lit on fire as if of its own accord, letting off an aroma vaguely reminiscent of roasting meat.

The dragon, which Ulfrich basically just magically knew was named Alduin, landed before him as if in awe of him. Ulfrich was unsurprised. He was an awe inspiring guy after all.

Swinging the axe before him with one hand the lad rushed at the winged lizard, already tasting his victory.

As he entered into the hitting zone of the dragon he inhaled deeply preparing to make the killing blow when _suddenly_ ….

Alduin merely stooped down and bit the lad in half.

Everyone around the two cheered and stormed around Alduin to lift him onto their shoulders for he had rid them all of that annoying little Fireblade brat.

And _that_ , dear readers, is the _true_ story of the Dragonborn's return.

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 **Merry Christmas to everyone btw!**


End file.
